Today was a VERY emotional day! I cried nearly all the way through the PT session. It's only my second sesson with Mica so I'm sure she thought I had lost the plot. I started there were energetic but it really was a case of 'mind over matter' failure.
The session started out pretty well with some hill runs, the hill doesn't look that steep until your half way up! I was able to complete these without too much bother which really made me happy, a real sense of acomplishment!
We had to do step ups on the park bench and as I soon as I looked at it I thought 'that's too high' so instantly that was my undoing! It took all my strength and PUSHING through my legs just to do these. Also having to engage your core which is also a new concept but something to work on. I got through two step ups and 5 squats in the middle and then went to move onto my step set of step ups. I already felt like I had zero energy and my foot hit the bottom of the step and I just broke into tears.
I walked away to get some air. Although I was wearing sunglasses and had shed a tear or two before it's easy enough to hide behind sunglasses but a complete mental breakdown is not. Mica came over to me and I just let it all out saying 'I'm sick and tired, of being hopeless. I'm sick and tired of being overweight and I can never seem to do anything the same as others, I can't keep up with other's and I have no co-ordination. I know it all takes practice but I'm over it"!
I don't usually compare myself with other's as I will fall short every time but still would like to think that I could be at least in the same ballpark somewhere with keeping up - even if I am left field.... LOL
It was a big emotional release and I really felt that I just needed to get it out! I kept apologising and saying I'm obviously completely rambling, but Mica said she understood and even has some clients that just say 'no' when she tells them to do something at least I was giving everything a go!
Mica was able to adapt some other exercises for me, lunges and squats so I could still work the same muscles which was great I powered through these as I didn't want to let her or myself down. We then did a follow the leader type thing and I thought yep zig zag jogging ok no probs. However my legs were already like jelly and so I started running and I felt so heavy so just couldn't get it all together and so I had another cry!
It was my turn to take the lead of the group but I refused because I couldn't even catch the group and I didn't want people to be slowed down because of me as they are there for a workout so Mica just let me jog around on my own I tried my hardest through the tears.
I know that emotions are high and mostly due to hormones as it's nearly 'that time of the month' and part of me was just waiting for the PT to say it's ok why don't you sit down for a bit and and I'm glad that I kept going. Even thought towards the end of the session I was just walking around to keep moving. The whole session is still a bit of a blur I honestly couldn't think straight I honestly didn't know if I wanted to sit down, I think I kept walking around hoping to outwalk it!
I did make mention of it to some facebook people and they said think about what else you can do except cry next time but I think when you are in that head space you can't think of what else you can do and I really feel at the time I just had to have a cry and let it out. I got to have a good chat to the PT at the end to proove that I wasn't a complete looney just 'having a bad day'!
With every breakdown comes a breakthrough.
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